time heals all wounds?
of course I heard that saying before, who hasn't. and I remember how Dumbledore from Harry Potter (don't ask me in which of the books it is, and this is not the exact words) says, that some wounds are too deep to heal.
I guess everything that has to do with relationships, which people loving each other (or not) leaves wounds on people's souls/in their minds... probably more than in-patient stays at hospitals or pets dying or bad grades in school or college. and I guess you'll be able to talk about what once put you in pain at some point, even if it takes you years. but you can never completely forget it. which is fine, I guess, things will have developed and you're over it, it's just still there, somewhere in your head, and sometimes you're reminded of it by something (s.th. little, probably).
speaking now, I can say it's probably usual for lovesick people to feel like things will never be allright again. and they won't in the way that the past months can't be taken back by anyone, they happened. but things can be okay in the way that you remember what happened, but you're okay with it.
even if I was in so much pain and especially fury, I guess the process of me beginning to forgive has started. when I was lying in bed yesterday, trying to put together an SMS answer, I realized that I would maybe be able to talk to him about it, in a civilized way. there are certainly things that are not exactly pleasant to say and not pleasant to hear, but I got a faint idea that the whole friendship thing might work... in a way.
it will take time and I'm not there by far, but - wouldn't it be nice to not have him in my everyday life but to be at peace with him? not longer be afraid of running into him at some point, and knowing there'll be a little smile, a hello or a wave from inside a car, and the situation won't take me days to get over?
when I imagined myself asking for time, I realized that I was offered a friendship in this situation before, and that I said I wasn't sure if I could do it, and didn't it turn out okay?
however, I was horribly sad and depressed and in tears when Fl. left me, yes, but I was not angry with him. well, that night or the next day, maybe, but at least I knew he cared and he was awfully sorry and he'd be there if I needed him to. I knew it was hard for him to do that. but if that is missing and you seem to be the only one who is beside herself, that "peace" is harder to reach, I suppose. sounds logical to me.
and still... since yesterday I can imagine it better than before. before, I tried to wrap my mind around the thought that I would simply never see him again, without things ever getting cleared up between us and I would simply have to forget, act like nothing had ever been there and learn to live with it, wait and hope for time to take it away from my active thoughts some day. when I saw him one last time to be given back what belonged to my sister, I knew that this would be the last time I saw him. except there would indeed be a <Nachtreffen> for those who worked at that childen's camp in summer.
but I also had that awful lot of things in my mind that I've been wanting to say to him. I was getting ready to forget about them, too, but now that he's "back" and want's to keep up a friendship, I have to say these things at some point, because I can't communicate with him all the time without having got rid of it.
so to sum this up... it was so hard and in a way it still is and will be for a while longer, but yesterday I started to forgive. a little bit.
oh, how could this become so long? all I wanted to say was that which I "summed up" in that last sentence above. I guess I once again showed my talent and need to try and explain everything in detail and make perfectly sure that I painted the right picture with the right background to every one. sorry for that.
good night to all those of you who might read this.