can't help it

I know that
1) like Hanna said and like Mum and Stella at least think, and maybe even like I think myself (somewhere), I should not - after what you did, and to me - wait for you to call. I am ashamed of myself, because I've been waiting for you for three months, without you ever appreciating it, as it seems.

2) because, also somewhere inside myself, I know that you will not call. you didn't even call me when we were together. now, you only said "die Tage", not exactly a precise time, and in addition, I sceptically asked why.
this might be the more important reason. the first was hard to explain, but this one is fairly simple. you are not reliable. you, to be honest, have never been since we met, not even when I asked you what to do if you weren't.  you said you would call to tell me whether or not you'd get a car, and you said you really would, and you did not. so why - why should I expect you to call me now? now that you left me alone to (as far as I know) be with someone else, and that no plans are made which could make up some deadline?

I would like you to call. partly because I want to believe you that there is something left between us, you didn't just forget me because you met some one else, and you were a little aware of what you left me with/like. and partly because I want to believe that there is some good in you. because it would kill me to know that people can be this very UNgentleman-like, this regardless of others' feelings as you seem at the moment. I have trouble not thinking "you arse hole". I know that's a cliché, and it's cliché for a reason, but you really are being that hated ex boyfriend. I don't want to hate you; I don't like (people) hating people, and I would like being able to say that I live at peace with everyone, but you're giving me a hard time not starting to hate you. and there is a longer-growing line of people who infact do seem to hate you and who would much like a word with you.

I guess you'll never read this. but if you should, please note that you're not exactly being nice, and think about calling me, however much time all this may be ago. forget about the things I would have liked to tell you, and forget about the pain you put me in. just do it for my future peace of mind. and, if you're of any good, for your mind's peace, too. because if anything of what you said to me was true, our relationship was not superficial, so ending it properly is advisable.

I meant to end this with a repition of the fact that I'm still and despite everything waiting for your call, but I don't feel much like that anymore. maybe I'm not after I explained all this to me(self). I don't know - but I'm under the impression that I hardly know anything (important) anyhow.

Good night.


27.11.09 23:18


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