who's fault is this? II

... I didn't know what to make of this. no warning (except that he announced that he had something to tell me) and then this... it took me a second to realize that I had just been dumped, and I just wanted to sobb. but then, the next second, I realized that we had talked only a couple of minutes ago and that he couldn't really be serious. not telling me this via SMS

so I called him. what surprises me is that he actually took my call. there was laughter and joking voices at the other end, he seemed to leave the room - and seemed to have no idea why I might be calling and what this could be about. I had to check if it was him who sent me that SMS, and for a very small moment I thought this was some else's joke or something... but then he confirmed having sent that message. I don't remember what we said exactly, but I tried to assure myself that he was serious. that he had just broken up with me per SMS, saying he found some one else.
he later said - to me asking - that he hadn't wanted this to happen either and that he didn't know how this could happen.
in the world I live(d?) in, people don't fall in love with others while they're with someone. they don't look at others or spent alone time with others - and they shouldn't want to. I don't know what was so wrong between us. I guess even though I ran after him for months and called him so often because he didn't call me, and I felt stupid so often, he had too much time to be with others, and to think of others. that I didn't call so often because I wanted to know what exactly he was doing and who he was doing it with was one of the many things I wanted to tell him - but as it turns out, I was wrong with that after all. I should have called more often... but I always knew that I had to trust him anyhow. it's just that I didn't know I couldn't. he was so friendly and on that day, when we were at the cinema, and he wrote me that message saying he had never felt so secure with anyone... this is not something I would have said when not feeling it! so I thought he was saying that I was special to him... and it was really a great thing to be in that movie with him, lying in his arms and just being there, with him... as I now know, this should be the last time for the two of us doing something like that together. that we went to some place just for the fun of it, to spend time together, to be together... and it feels so long ago. it actually is more than 3 months ago. I could have stayed there forever, and feel the warmth and him being there, nothing seemed to matter, time, getting up early the next morning, me having to get back to Bochum later... it was so nice. I guess we should have kissed. and I guessed that in that moment, too, I just couldn't yet. but I wanted, some time soon, and I remember how on the following wednesday, two nights and one day later, we did... that night he apologized for being to intrusive, and I worried so much when I read it. and then on wednesday, we were in front of the Thealozzi, it was really early, we had met there a while before the rest would come, and he was half getting out of his car, I was standing in the door, we got close and... I don't know, can I say I kissed him? that would be a strange thing to remember. but I guess he wanted it, too, and maybe he felt it coming... I don't know. at least we kissed. I don't think it was a very long kiss, and I guess we were a little shy, and it was the first one after all, but I liked it... a lot^^ and I guess we'd have gone on the rest of the day it it hadn't been for the rest. I don't think I thought about this before, but I must have looked quite happy on that day =) because I was so happy with him and he was still there, only a couple of steps away.

- was I chicken to want to keep that a secret? I could hardly stand being in the gym without him

I guess on monday, there was lot of other stuff I meant to tell you. and that was before we sent about 10 to 15 SMS to make a date for him to come by and give me back some things he borrowed. and then yesterday, I actually saw him. to be honest, when we talked on the phone thursday, when we hung up, I only felt like crying. I guess it was about hearing his voice. and then yesterday on my way home from the Wache, where I had been lucky to catch him between rearriving from an emergency and leaving for the DRK, it was somehow strange... maybe you could call it beyond crying. the bus didn't show up until it was about 12 minutes late, I had to wait and stand at the bus stop pretty long, and it gave me chance to think. I now have no idea what I thought, but I remember how my face felt. I cried a little at breakfast today. my parents didn't notice. and then later today, I realized that I won't be kissed by anyone any time soon, and this actually hit me pretty hard. I don't remember if I felt like this the last time I broke up with a boyfriend, I might have... but there was some thought about it some time in between the two of them, I think. I don't know what's worse, being left alone and the way I was told it, or him being with someone else now. it changes... what I realized while I was waiting yesterday is that he totally left me alone. it's not like we had trouble in our relationship, struggled to find a solution, talked for hours and in the end went different ways. nope, he just told me facts I couldn't do anything about and went off with s.o. else. and it's not like he offered any help, a talk or anything... I was someone's girlfriend, and in one moment he made me left alone.

I am thinking is not very concerned about others, or their feelings. he never gave me a ride home, even if I had about 35km to drive, and it was dark and some time at night... well, he shouldn't have gone with me, of course, but going to the car with me would have been nice, I guess. Fl. never just sent me home... at least he was concerned about my safety. in addition, in the last three months, I was hardly three times asked how I was... and especially in the last week, there was not a single sorry. or that I could talk to him if I had to, or anything of that sort! maybe I would have needed a hug or something. all I knew was hurry, not having time, him having to go... remember that hug, 8 days ago? in the basement, in the process of saying goodbye, we just stood there for a moment, not doing much but embracing eachother? and then, he found the trash in my back pocket. moment over. but before, I enjoyed just standing there, breathing and doing nothing else. and - I really have to talk in past tense. because that moment is so very completely over. as much as are all the others, everything we did together, everything we said... over. and (theoretically) being with someone, knowing that there is someone out there, who is waiting for you, who's day you can make by showing up...

I guess I should stop this now. it's just that I feel really alone, because no one's there. my family won't hug me once because I'm still recovering from a sickness, and Hanna's soo busy and my sister is not even home... I am going to see Fl. and Britta and the rest of the Katechetenrunde tomorrow, I'm looking forward to that.
I am really looking forward to being kissed   and hugged again. :'(


21.11.09 19:38


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