I - want - you!

is it normal to physically feel that you're missing someone?
everybody must have read about it or seen it in films, people being in physical pain when they miss that person they love... I know that as a reader, you'd just read over it and be like, sure, it's an author thing, they need to make something up that indicates those two characters are supposed to be really in love... but everyone would know that this actually is fictional. well. since today, I know: it's not.
I saw my boyfriend yesterday, he was here at our house for nearly 2 and a half hours, and I tried to enjoy every minute of it because I knew that it had been long since we met last time (and even much longer since we actually had some time together) and that it would probably be long until we'd have some time again, but I couldn't. I just sat there, leaning on him, until he wrote an icq message to my sister, asking her to please tell me to be a little more cheerful, I looked to sad...
actually I indeed was sad, but I couldn't put it into words. he asked what was wrong once in a while, but I couldn't tell him. it was nice that he noticed that something was wrong, and to have him ask me like he worried about it a little... oh, my, I really feel like crying now.
I hadn't really been aware of him noticing that. and he once (long ago... that night I went over to his town and we saw a movie...) said that he was really shy with these things. so maybe he noticed me being sad and he didn't want me to and just didn't know what to do about it. this would actually be really cute o.O but not exactly helpful sometimes, I guess
I don't want to him not wanting to spend time with me anymore because I am sad when we're together! I don't want him to like me any less because I'm not jovial. I'd hate him to be less atracted. by the way, what of me does he like anyhow?
the part about what I li-- love about him is cristal freaking clear. I loved his hair when it had that special length it had when we first met, I waited for it to grow "out" again after he cut it. and then yesterday he didn't want to come in and made us go to the guestroom in the basement, I only saw him in light when we were downstairs - and I saw his highlights o.O I hadn't seen that coming... when I asked myself when he could have gone to the hairdressers if he didn't have time to call me, I later realized that I guess I'm expecting waayy too much here. funnily enough, that hairdresser ran out of colour (never heard that before), so they asked if he wanted to be blonde only on the first half of his head o.o and thank god he denied that. so he turned up with highlights and at first I was just in surprise, I must have looked like the icq *JOKINGLY*-smiley, my eyes open... and later when he told me about that hairdresser, I said I didn't have anything against blonde. but I realized (much later, of course...) that this probably wasn't exactly convincing. I soo have to make up for this the next time we see... which will hopefully be on Tuesday. I have no idea if this will come true, but I can't help hoping it will. I really need to see him again and there's so much to say! so many things that have formed in my mind in the last weeks and that really have to be said, and soon.
I've been watching Gilmore girls for about 1,5 hours now, if there was something else I wanted to write about, I forgot it. - ohhh no, all these other things I love about him... well first there's his eyes. ohh my god, his eyes! these amazingly blue bright eyes, beaming at me and asking me to join him on the bed or beaming because he is playing on a virtual drumset... ohh that was amazing, too. he told me about that world famous girls' choir from sweden (or norway?) that his town's choir will eventually have a gig together with (which these girls do not know about). and, of course, the rest of his beaming face! putting my face into my hands right now... thinking of these things does some feeling to me. it is very intense, so much for sure. but on the one hand, these are great memories I wouldn't want to miss (until we might, one day, break up, which I totally couldn't imagine at the moment and which I totally hope will only be in far future, far far away from present time) and which really have the power to make me smile or beam just at the thought of it; and on the other hand, it gives me phyical pain and I could cry at the thought of them because I'm here now and he's not and I'm alone and he's far away and our next meeting won't be before tuesday and it might not even happen at all... so it can be a loong time to me before I see him again and with every couple of hours it just get's worse and I want this more. there really is that feeling somewhere in my stomach, that sort of shudder that runs through my body at some of these thoughts and that washes away whatever thought or emotion I might have had before. it makes me hide my face in my hands somewhere between my knees and sometimes I have to, like on that gospel concert I went to with Hanna.

... then when I just needed to be with him as much as possibly possible, sitting next to him while he was sitting at the desk, downloading some stuff from the internet, he finally put his arm around me and I got to grab his hand. every other person would have found this extremely uncomfortable, lying there with my head somewhere under his arm on his lap, but I didn't notice. I just had to be there. and then when he was about to go back upstairs to leave, we hugged tightly, and at least in that moment, I felt thought of. because then, he didn't do anything else besides, and he hugged me really tightly back and I really enjoyed that, but I (had) needed it, too. my arms were around his neck and his hands sometime found their way to my (oh, put an m in there instead of an empty space and you have his name!) back pockets and found the trash I collected during the day of university.

oh and when he saw the SchokoBons lying there (I had put them there for him weeks ago) and I wold him they were for him and he could have them, I think he enjoyed it and he liked them
(and then of course, when he left he told me that he had a bag of them in the car.) maybe this is something to be made a part of that birthday gift I'll have to come up with by two weeks from the day before yesterday. at least something to start with, even if this can't be enough... but as I tought Britta today, I should always look on the bright side of life.
he said he asked alina to write to him, but she didn't so far, and I didn't quite know what to make of that, but when I (before or after?) read her tweet [by the way! who is interested in things that are on my mind, check http://twitter.com/joanna_2305 ;-)]about having to go to the city centre in the rain to go buy a present, I was like, couldn't you have told me before? I'd have gone with you and looked for something to give to tommy [there it is... if I didn't give you his name (which btw is everywhere...) before, now you have it] for his 21st birthday. which is in 11 days. and it's the first time we experience some sort of special occasion together. and ohh, my, when that's over, christmas is coming up, something else to find a gift for... and on December 24th, he won't even be the only one to expect a gift from me. there's trouble waiting for me, I guess... and don't I have so much extra time at the moment and with the Firmvorbereitung starting next week.
four (!) icq birthday reminds just popped up, I'll have to deal with them tomorrow. or some day when I have time again, which we probably be in my next life^^

anyhow. these notes reminded me of time, because it's sunday now and it's time for me to finally go to sleep, after I spent I don't know how many hours on this. I'm sorry for all those of you who read all this stuff o.O but I just had to write it somewhere, because I have decided to not longer tell him thought concerning him when he's not there, just because I'd like to tell him now. I hope that NOT saying them will make these things stick in my mind for when he's here next time. and has time. which would just be too great to be on tuesday, which is only about 2,5-3 days from now... o.O
I remember me saying how fast days were passing by some time this week, and now the time til tuesday seems to long to me! if there wasn't as awful lot of work to do for university, there would probably be a(nother) horribly long sunday waiting for me, like the one between the second and third week of the camp... *sigh... with a smile... a in love-smile...*

so now I'm going, finally.

cheez, I really have to learn to get to the point. however, there didn't seem to be one particular point to get to today, and just writing everything that is in my head is the pleasure of having a blog ;-)

oh and I guess I have the swine flu. Britta got her shot yesterday because her sister works at the hospital and her mum wa-- oh, forget it, it's redundant. anyhow, she suffered from that vaccination today and I totally don't want to get it myself. but I have been coughing quite often from this afternoon on and it didn't exactly get better when I had two cups of tea, and now my sister said that boy from her class who has the swine flu started coughing
first, I thought, where should I have got it from, I kissed Tommy a couple of times, but he is vaccinated and won't have it. can he carry the virus though?
and then second, I "always" (since this thing came up) knew that I better don't think about all those doorknobs etc at RUB, who've been touched my hundreds of others before, and I confess that I didn't exactly care much for over-average hygenics. well, I don't know. I'll just wear a scarf and try not to be too close to people for one or two or three days. that must be enough. except, of course, this get's really bad and I am too sick for everyday life. but as I lerarned today, we're catholics^^ so we're optimistic, and I won't get a bad case of swine flu, period.

will I manage to stop this before the sun rises again (00:23 AM now)? I don't know... I'll try again^^

(totally not rereeding it all.) good night.


15.11.09 00:24


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