- it's awfully late, I have to drive my mum all the way to M.G. and back tomorrow (at least one way in a hurry), there's the hell of a lot of work to do for university and for all the Firm stuff, and I should not be sitting here writing a blog post now.
I just wanted to thank my Mum and Dad for last night. it was sunday yesterday, I went to the Jugendmesse, of course, and when I entered the church, Manuel F. (guy from our school, 3 years older than me, was in all the ensembles that did performances on stage in our school, I admired him as well as the others, and he was there for me that night several years ago when I was totally distraught because of my parents and my sister... and my first boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend) was there to play the drums.
I had not realized that Tommy looks so much like him.
it was just like seeing him, which I totally couldn't stand, and I only wanted to sit in some alone corner and cry.
it was not just his face, his head's shape, or his hair - it was also that pullover he was wearing, the expression on his face, and especially when he was playing. sitting there, not at all stressed but doing a great job... part of me only wanted to be somewhere far, far away, but I had to look at him as often as possible. watch him sit there and play the drums
partly because I like here and I figured she'd know about what happened, and partly because I simply had to tell somebody, I told Britta. I'm afraid she didn't exactly get what I wanted to say... I guess I wasn't really able to put into words what was in my mind. maybe I'm not now, either. it was just that there was no way of looking for that alone corner, and I had to be there for quite a while longer.
when I was home, my sister was about to leave, and I totally stood there all in tears, because I hated the idea of her leaving, and even if I knew she'd be back next weekend, it just seemed wrong... we hugged thoroughly, and she felt my hip bone through my clothes, and told my mum to start feeding me properly...
I didn't know what to do when they were gone, so I went up to watch some Gilmore girls, which calmed me down after a while. when I went downstairs to get some chocolate, I realized that the kitchen still showed that Mum had been baking some christmas cookies, all the dishes and bowls and silverware were there, uncleaned. so I started to clean up the kitchen... I emptied the dining table, put the dishes and what fit of the rest into the dishwasher and put it on... then the oven was left to be cleaned and some trash to collect and some devices to clean by hand... I was just about to get the pan from the table into the kitchen sink to clean it, when my parents came back home. they had left at about 9:45, and I really didn't expect them to get back before midnight... but at about a quarter to ten, they rearrived. at least they realized how different the kitchen looked like in comparison to what it had looked like when they left... but I really didn't want them to be sorry about me having to do it (this time), I just couldn't resist cleaning up, because I needed something to do, that kept my hands busy and that could be seen after a while... so in a way, I'm grateful for the mess I found down there.
I guess it didn't take me long to start crying again after they were back, and one of them asked what was up. I told them about Manuel and Tommy and Mum totally agreed... I can't say how much I wanted to thank her for that. because Britta of course didn't know either of them, but Mum did, and she totally got what I was talking about... we ended up on the sofa, my parents on either side of me and myself, sitting there and starting to cry again every couple of minutes. I just had to cry so many tears from lovesickness which I hadn't let out before and had never actually spoken to any one about tommy just leaving me alone with nothing left and without a real talk... he just vanished.
at some point, Dad said something about wanting to go upstairs and sleep, because he had to work early today, but when it overwhelmed me again, he stayed a while longer. someone put off the TV (or at least the voices) and we just sat there, me in the middle, crying, and them next to me, comforting me. Mum said, leave it out, and I was in Dad's arm, at his big chest, and he just was there for me... I really did not do this because I wanted their attention, I really didn't. it's just that it helped a lot that they were there and listened... by now, I'm close to tears again when I think of it. mainly because I've been realizing today that it has been ages since the two of them were there for me to comfort me or talk to me without having to go somewhere or Dad having to use the bathroom or the TV being on or anything... I guess it shouldn't have been so long. actually, I can't even remember when the last time was.
I told them about his bright light blue eyes and how his smile (his whole face) was totally mind-blowing when he exited that hospital door a couple of weeks ago... I wouldn't have thought I would. but it didn't seem so bad after all... even if it was a really personal thing to be talking to them about.
of course we went upstairs at some point. they just went, but it took me til about 2:30 AM to get to sleep - having set my alarm for 6:15.
I felt this quite intensively at the maths lecture this morning - I spent about half the time sleeping. I don't wanna know what I must have looked like, I guess my mouth fell open every time I fell asleep again, but I didn't care.
having had some fresh air, a hot chocolate and a breakfast, I felt pretty awake when I arrived a seat in GB to do my grammar homework for the next hour and a half.
no one had seen me smiling the whole day... microeconomics actually cheered me up - mr. schimmelpfennig did, actually. grammar was fine, despite the fact that that guy, who's name is Kevin, as he told me, was totally hoovering before I - desperately - started an icq conversation with Carina. the last lesson, a good one and a half hour mathematics, was fine, too.
even if I had actually smiled a couple of times that day, I guess Katechenrunde was pleasant aswell, and it distracted from all the other stuff. it wasn't too funny when Tobias talked about people's first boy- and girlfriends, he and Nico went on and on about relationships, but the subject changed back to another topic soon enough for me to not hate the whole evening because of it.
and the meeting ended quite friendly, too. it was nice... and I'm grateful for having so much to think about these days. because as soon as I sit somewhere, without having anything real to do, I'll start thinking about all that happened... and that would probably end in tears again.
I know there've been a lot of tears lately. I feel like I've been crying a lot. but maybe that's how I am... I don't know. but even if do not at all do this out of a habit or anything (because he just doesn't seem to be worth it), I think you may cry and look for someone to comfort you after you have been left by your boyfriend.
it changes... right now, I'm not exactly laughing, but I don't feel like crying either.
I'm empty again.
and (I can't get rid of the thought) alone.
I can't go to sleep without my phone lying next to me.
partly because it has to wake me up in the morning, partly I still (I'm using simple present instead of the progressive form, since it's definitely a habit that I want to express) wait for you to call.
I alternate between nearly beginning to cry at the mere sight of an ASB car or when I hear "Wake me up when September ends" on the radio, and what must happen if I really saw you in person? and having so much to say that I could start shouting at you. at the moment, however, it's more crying than much else.
- story: got to know about the written maths test this week - hardly time to study for it - wanted to do a little something yesterday but had forgotten the Lichtblick Spieleabend, which I had promised to attend - went there today, failed - saw school "dead" with only a couple of dozen people babbling about maths - dad didn't answer when I called him back - saw an ASB car on the way home, maybe you were just about 10 feet away from me... - fuzzy waved at me from her car while she was passing by, and totally destroyed my depressed mood - mum and dad acted like they were so cheery and casual - made me repeat what I had seen (which I totally didn't want) and was like: "achsooo..." ... which hurt a lot. seeing that car almost made me cry and she acting like I was talking about something completely nonsignificant
and what is dad doing here anyway? asking with that voice of his, "willst du nicht wiederholen was Mama verpasst hat" - I could have cried at him.
what I thought yesterday: there's two things I use to do when need to do something when I'm depressed or down: cleaning up the kitchen, and phonetics. now there're people downstairs so being in the kitchen is not an option, but I'll start looking up phonetic transcription for another column of words and look for a transcribed text on the internet. I'm thinking about buying the phonetics book the other classes use, hoping that there's some transcribed text in it.
and my own room needs cleaning up, too, so maybe I'll start putting away some stuff while I try to memorize phonetic symbols.
@ Mr Schunk: no... it's the first phonetics class I attend, but to be honest, I'm really enjoying it.
(yesterday's away message:
did I mention I really really love Phonetics class? and especially phonetic transcription? as a matter of fact, I'm "quite good" at it )
of course I heard that saying before, who hasn't. and I remember how Dumbledore from Harry Potter (don't ask me in which of the books it is, and this is not the exact words) says, that some wounds are too deep to heal.
I guess everything that has to do with relationships, which people loving each other (or not) leaves wounds on people's souls/in their minds... probably more than in-patient stays at hospitals or pets dying or bad grades in school or college. and I guess you'll be able to talk about what once put you in pain at some point, even if it takes you years. but you can never completely forget it. which is fine, I guess, things will have developed and you're over it, it's just still there, somewhere in your head, and sometimes you're reminded of it by something (s.th. little, probably).
speaking now, I can say it's probably usual for lovesick people to feel like things will never be allright again. and they won't in the way that the past months can't be taken back by anyone, they happened. but things can be okay in the way that you remember what happened, but you're okay with it.
even if I was in so much pain and especially fury, I guess the process of me beginning to forgive has started. when I was lying in bed yesterday, trying to put together an SMS answer, I realized that I would maybe be able to talk to him about it, in a civilized way. there are certainly things that are not exactly pleasant to say and not pleasant to hear, but I got a faint idea that the whole friendship thing might work... in a way.
it will take time and I'm not there by far, but - wouldn't it be nice to not have him in my everyday life but to be at peace with him? not longer be afraid of running into him at some point, and knowing there'll be a little smile, a hello or a wave from inside a car, and the situation won't take me days to get over?
when I imagined myself asking for time, I realized that I was offered a friendship in this situation before, and that I said I wasn't sure if I could do it, and didn't it turn out okay?
however, I was horribly sad and depressed and in tears when Fl. left me, yes, but I was not angry with him. well, that night or the next day, maybe, but at least I knew he cared and he was awfully sorry and he'd be there if I needed him to. I knew it was hard for him to do that. but if that is missing and you seem to be the only one who is beside herself, that "peace" is harder to reach, I suppose. sounds logical to me.
and still... since yesterday I can imagine it better than before. before, I tried to wrap my mind around the thought that I would simply never see him again, without things ever getting cleared up between us and I would simply have to forget, act like nothing had ever been there and learn to live with it, wait and hope for time to take it away from my active thoughts some day. when I saw him one last time to be given back what belonged to my sister, I knew that this would be the last time I saw him. except there would indeed be a <Nachtreffen> for those who worked at that childen's camp in summer.
but I also had that awful lot of things in my mind that I've been wanting to say to him. I was getting ready to forget about them, too, but now that he's "back" and want's to keep up a friendship, I have to say these things at some point, because I can't communicate with him all the time without having got rid of it.
so to sum this up... it was so hard and in a way it still is and will be for a while longer, but yesterday I started to forgive. a little bit.
oh, how could this become so long? all I wanted to say was that which I "summed up" in that last sentence above. I guess I once again showed my talent and need to try and explain everything in detail and make perfectly sure that I painted the right picture with the right background to every one. sorry for that.
good night to all those of you who might read this.
sometimes I wish there was someone who embraces me, protectively. someone would hear the news and give me a long, comforting hug.
(someone who is not in great pain themselves at the moment.)