goin' to school, coming home, doin' homework, tryin' to be nice - for whom all this? if there was someone... waiting for me sometimes, standing somewhere, just because of me
somebody who loves me, who likes me, who likes to talk to me, to be with me, who likes - me
everybody seems to hate me :'( there is nobody at school who is there because of me, who waits for me or anything
well, half the Mittelstufe is there. robert first, and laura and all these... but I do need people who are my age, you know? people who maybe have classes with me, or even if not, whom I meet once in a while. I would give anything for this right now... you know, Hanna, how much you hurt me? talking to everybody but me, walking with everybody but me - and then this today?! - I just wanted to be with you... I thought you were just in the move of leaning rightwards, but afterwards the thought came to my mind that you maybe did it on purpose... how can you do this? how can you not talk to me but be so MEAN?! let me alone like this? I'm so god damn lonely!!
I thought you would maybe think about what I told you... maybe you would think something like:... see, sie ist ziemlich/sehr einsam. EINSAM
Einsam! the smell of that word... but there is nobody in my life! no family... my sister has so much trouble going to school, living a life
my parents are pretty busy with themselves - but even if my sister is not really there for me, she is there! I love her - she is my sister! I missed her so much when she was gone for two and a half days for that Firmfahrt, which I went on about two years ago, when it was my time... but I missed her! I look up to her because of her style and even if it's hard to deal with her, she has got a style, she has got a direction in which to live! she knows what she wants, and she tries to get it... but what do I want? I just live what I am supposed to... I go to school, I try to do my homework as far as I can, I'm doing the Cambridge Stuff, I go to the training most of the weeks... I try so hard to have a life! But there is nothing to do this for... well, the Abitur, for later life... sure, but what life? do I have to waste years with studying, all the stress of going to school regularly, if I won't need it at all? what do I need a job for? to feed what family! there'll be no one... no man, no guy who kisses me goodbye when he leaves to work or something
yeah, Anna, I'm seventeen and a half and desperated. you didn't know what you were saying when you told us this... he seemed to like me, you know? or all this just looks like that to me... because I'm so hardly looking for somebody. I never realized how much I missed this - maybe I didn't. But now I did, and my mum (my MUM!) told me maybe it would be easier if I... had a boyfriend...
I can just look at him... he told me I like vanished too quickly after church on sundays, and today my mother went with me... we were standing there, all the Messdieners walked out through the middle way, before we had argued about where to stand and I had told her that HEE was allowed to do Weihrauch today... they walked in in the beginning of the mass, daniel as the first with that giant flag, and then HH and melanie with the Weihrauch and something else I couldn't really see - she carried the Weihrauch, not him. I thought like oh, okay, maybe they changed the arrangement, but mum kicked me and forced me to change a glance with her because he didn't get the Weihrauch... boy.
somewhen during the service he actually got it, mum beamed at me because Flocke was carring it now... hmm. I looked backwards once and saw kevin standing between his parents where they are always standing
he was standing beside the one reading a text for the service, I looked at him (I thought about him all the time!) and lowered my glance before he could catch it, besides he had to concentrate on what he was doing.
well - when they were all walking out slowly, I couldn't help it but look at him when he walked by
he had - obviously! - seen me as well before and looked at me, just out of walking in a line with the others, beaming at me and I guess I beamed back and we BEAMED at each other right in the middle of the church
my mother was standing right next to me, I don't have to try and convince myself she didn't see us...
boy, I have to ask him!!!
we were there, thinking of ea-- I was thinking of him so much all the time, I have no idea if he also thought of me while the mass was running!
but, as mentioned before, he had (a little sad) asked me not to run away right after the mass, and I went to the library for a second with mum - we got out of there again, and nobody was there. I was halfly sad that mum had gone and looked down the way to the house backwards the church, but nobody I looked for was there, so I decided to go, too... I was just on the stairs away from the place when HEE came out of the Messdiener part of the building together with melanie. he came to me to hug me cheerfully (he would have insisted on doing, I guess!), and I was a bit glad melanie was there because she was a third person and a girl more in my age than in his - however, she byed soon and hurried off with her father. HEE asked (with one of his smiles...) us to move under the roof, where already a few of them were standing, talking. we stood there, I don't know what we talked about or who was talking or if we were talking at all, but anyway chrissi and maren and kleini came soon and there was chatting and conversation. about computers, a little and lots of other stuff, the driving test of one of the guys I don't know by name (so far). he only talked to me, I guess, but I couldn't only look up to him, so I turned to the right to listen to maren and kleini's talk after a while, when some time he "had" to push his brother aside slightly and get into the round himself, too
somebody suggested to go over to the common room because it was uncosy, rainy and cold - it took a few suggestions, but then everybody moved. "soll ich jetzt noch mit?" - *smile and nodding enthusiastically* okay...
and he was walking next to me, I had to tell him something but didn't know what, so started babbling about our wanna be fireplace and he added some facts about his mother, who likes to have a fire even when it's 20°C in summer and he is sitting there in a t-shirt... well, we walked in and had to move on the sofa so that everybody could sit, chrissi and sven sat down after me and hindered him from sitting next to me, but I think I saw that he would have liked to... but I could never dare sitting close to him or holding hands with him or something with everybody sitting around us in the common room!
though, it would be wonderful... he's damn sweet
tall and blonde and... oh boy... - oh HEE!! "tall and tan and young and lovely the boy from bochum-weitmar goes walking..." ohhh my
I can't tell anybody, and first of all I can't tell carina, who deserves to be told most! he was her Katechet, too, I can't impossibly go there and tell her I'm in love with him!
well, there are lots of things where I can meet him, when there are others with us, but what when school starts again? what I can do is go to church on sundays and go where ever the team takes part in when I wanna see him, but apart from that...
and what, what was that thing about kuscheln yesterday?? he would miss that, if one were living apart from eachother like the african elephants (which was from the TV we were both watching)... I said I wouldn't enjoy it only to see once in a couple of years either, but he actually talked about kuscheln
(imagine - sitting on a sofa with him, holding hands, close to him, without having to hide anything from others... how wonderful!! (when kathrin was with daniel before...))
he tells me he has mich lieb and we send those kissing smilies... is all this just a joke to him? this would be the easiest for me - but also the hardest. cause I really do like him. I am close to feeling bad when I don't write to him on icq when we're both online, nearly all the long and friendly internet conversations we have are started by him... this must mean something, doesn't it! him being always writing to me... my big question was if he had a girlfriend - the last and only thing I knew of him was him being together with cinne, which I saw once when there was a Grillen and she came to him
but then, he told me she was her ex girlfriend - not out of the blew, but he told me