is there some place to cry on campus?

I know I promised to go on with my storytelling, and I guess I will some time... but right now, I'm sitting here, having talked to him a couple of minutes ago and I'm really close to tears. or I might be beyond not crying.

I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me ... that photo of us, it's so magical ... I won't stop until that boy is mine ... you're my rockstar in between the sets... eyeliner and cigarettes ... it don't have a price ... 

well, that boy has been mine. that one line would have added an "chase you down until you love me AGAIN".

tears seem to heaten you up... I don't need my jacket right now. I've got to go outside and get some fresh air before my statistics class starts

19.11.09 16:28, kommentieren


who's fault is this?

to those who have read my last posts - you might know that I was pretty in love these last weeks (months?). I still was when I was lying in bed with a 39,23°C fever last sunday (2 days ago). little did I know that my "boyfriend" was in love, too - with someone else.

I called him (after he hadn't taken my sunday call or returned it later) yesterday, and he even called me back after he had to disrupt because he was driving. which, actually, put me in a good mood, because him calling back when he said he would can not exactly be taken for granted. so far so good. we talked about when we would meet - not very successfully, I must confess, but at least we arranged a time to speak on the phone again - and he said he wanted to talk to me; so did I and I thought we were on the same page here, and we hung up.

I had just taken back up the icq conversation with my best friend, which had been interrupted by his second call, when, just a couple of minutes later, I got an SMS. I opened it, and read that
he didn't have the heart to tell me this in person, but he fell in love this weekend, and head over ears, but he still liked me and we could stay friends.

... if you don't know what to say to that, that's okay. I didn't, either.

well, I had a talk with my mum the last hour and right now, I'm calm enough to think I might manage to fall asleep acceptably quick, so I'm gonna do this now and tell you the rest of the story some other time.

1 Kommentar 17.11.09 22:44, kommentieren

I - want - you!

is it normal to physically feel that you're missing someone?
everybody must have read about it or seen it in films, people being in physical pain when they miss that person they love... I know that as a reader, you'd just read over it and be like, sure, it's an author thing, they need to make something up that indicates those two characters are supposed to be really in love... but everyone would know that this actually is fictional. well. since today, I know: it's not.
I saw my boyfriend yesterday, he was here at our house for nearly 2 and a half hours, and I tried to enjoy every minute of it because I knew that it had been long since we met last time (and even much longer since we actually had some time together) and that it would probably be long until we'd have some time again, but I couldn't. I just sat there, leaning on him, until he wrote an icq message to my sister, asking her to please tell me to be a little more cheerful, I looked to sad...
actually I indeed was sad, but I couldn't put it into words. he asked what was wrong once in a while, but I couldn't tell him. it was nice that he noticed that something was wrong, and to have him ask me like he worried about it a little... oh, my, I really feel like crying now.
I hadn't really been aware of him noticing that. and he once (long ago... that night I went over to his town and we saw a movie...) said that he was really shy with these things. so maybe he noticed me being sad and he didn't want me to and just didn't know what to do about it. this would actually be really cute o.O but not exactly helpful sometimes, I guess
I don't want to him not wanting to spend time with me anymore because I am sad when we're together! I don't want him to like me any less because I'm not jovial. I'd hate him to be less atracted. by the way, what of me does he like anyhow?
the part about what I li-- love about him is cristal freaking clear. I loved his hair when it had that special length it had when we first met, I waited for it to grow "out" again after he cut it. and then yesterday he didn't want to come in and made us go to the guestroom in the basement, I only saw him in light when we were downstairs - and I saw his highlights o.O I hadn't seen that coming... when I asked myself when he could have gone to the hairdressers if he didn't have time to call me, I later realized that I guess I'm expecting waayy too much here. funnily enough, that hairdresser ran out of colour (never heard that before), so they asked if he wanted to be blonde only on the first half of his head o.o and thank god he denied that. so he turned up with highlights and at first I was just in surprise, I must have looked like the icq *JOKINGLY*-smiley, my eyes open... and later when he told me about that hairdresser, I said I didn't have anything against blonde. but I realized (much later, of course...) that this probably wasn't exactly convincing. I soo have to make up for this the next time we see... which will hopefully be on Tuesday. I have no idea if this will come true, but I can't help hoping it will. I really need to see him again and there's so much to say! so many things that have formed in my mind in the last weeks and that really have to be said, and soon.
I've been watching Gilmore girls for about 1,5 hours now, if there was something else I wanted to write about, I forgot it. - ohhh no, all these other things I love about him... well first there's his eyes. ohh my god, his eyes! these amazingly blue bright eyes, beaming at me and asking me to join him on the bed or beaming because he is playing on a virtual drumset... ohh that was amazing, too. he told me about that world famous girls' choir from sweden (or norway?) that his town's choir will eventually have a gig together with (which these girls do not know about). and, of course, the rest of his beaming face! putting my face into my hands right now... thinking of these things does some feeling to me. it is very intense, so much for sure. but on the one hand, these are great memories I wouldn't want to miss (until we might, one day, break up, which I totally couldn't imagine at the moment and which I totally hope will only be in far future, far far away from present time) and which really have the power to make me smile or beam just at the thought of it; and on the other hand, it gives me phyical pain and I could cry at the thought of them because I'm here now and he's not and I'm alone and he's far away and our next meeting won't be before tuesday and it might not even happen at all... so it can be a loong time to me before I see him again and with every couple of hours it just get's worse and I want this more. there really is that feeling somewhere in my stomach, that sort of shudder that runs through my body at some of these thoughts and that washes away whatever thought or emotion I might have had before. it makes me hide my face in my hands somewhere between my knees and sometimes I have to, like on that gospel concert I went to with Hanna.

... then when I just needed to be with him as much as possibly possible, sitting next to him while he was sitting at the desk, downloading some stuff from the internet, he finally put his arm around me and I got to grab his hand. every other person would have found this extremely uncomfortable, lying there with my head somewhere under his arm on his lap, but I didn't notice. I just had to be there. and then when he was about to go back upstairs to leave, we hugged tightly, and at least in that moment, I felt thought of. because then, he didn't do anything else besides, and he hugged me really tightly back and I really enjoyed that, but I (had) needed it, too. my arms were around his neck and his hands sometime found their way to my (oh, put an m in there instead of an empty space and you have his name!) back pockets and found the trash I collected during the day of university.

oh and when he saw the SchokoBons lying there (I had put them there for him weeks ago) and I wold him they were for him and he could have them, I think he enjoyed it and he liked them
(and then of course, when he left he told me that he had a bag of them in the car.) maybe this is something to be made a part of that birthday gift I'll have to come up with by two weeks from the day before yesterday. at least something to start with, even if this can't be enough... but as I tought Britta today, I should always look on the bright side of life.
he said he asked alina to write to him, but she didn't so far, and I didn't quite know what to make of that, but when I (before or after?) read her tweet [by the way! who is interested in things that are on my mind, check ;-)]about having to go to the city centre in the rain to go buy a present, I was like, couldn't you have told me before? I'd have gone with you and looked for something to give to tommy [there it is... if I didn't give you his name (which btw is everywhere...) before, now you have it] for his 21st birthday. which is in 11 days. and it's the first time we experience some sort of special occasion together. and ohh, my, when that's over, christmas is coming up, something else to find a gift for... and on December 24th, he won't even be the only one to expect a gift from me. there's trouble waiting for me, I guess... and don't I have so much extra time at the moment and with the Firmvorbereitung starting next week.
four (!) icq birthday reminds just popped up, I'll have to deal with them tomorrow. or some day when I have time again, which we probably be in my next life^^

anyhow. these notes reminded me of time, because it's sunday now and it's time for me to finally go to sleep, after I spent I don't know how many hours on this. I'm sorry for all those of you who read all this stuff o.O but I just had to write it somewhere, because I have decided to not longer tell him thought concerning him when he's not there, just because I'd like to tell him now. I hope that NOT saying them will make these things stick in my mind for when he's here next time. and has time. which would just be too great to be on tuesday, which is only about 2,5-3 days from now... o.O
I remember me saying how fast days were passing by some time this week, and now the time til tuesday seems to long to me! if there wasn't as awful lot of work to do for university, there would probably be a(nother) horribly long sunday waiting for me, like the one between the second and third week of the camp... *sigh... with a smile... a in love-smile...*

so now I'm going, finally.

cheez, I really have to learn to get to the point. however, there didn't seem to be one particular point to get to today, and just writing everything that is in my head is the pleasure of having a blog ;-)

oh and I guess I have the swine flu. Britta got her shot yesterday because her sister works at the hospital and her mum wa-- oh, forget it, it's redundant. anyhow, she suffered from that vaccination today and I totally don't want to get it myself. but I have been coughing quite often from this afternoon on and it didn't exactly get better when I had two cups of tea, and now my sister said that boy from her class who has the swine flu started coughing
first, I thought, where should I have got it from, I kissed Tommy a couple of times, but he is vaccinated and won't have it. can he carry the virus though?
and then second, I "always" (since this thing came up) knew that I better don't think about all those doorknobs etc at RUB, who've been touched my hundreds of others before, and I confess that I didn't exactly care much for over-average hygenics. well, I don't know. I'll just wear a scarf and try not to be too close to people for one or two or three days. that must be enough. except, of course, this get's really bad and I am too sick for everyday life. but as I lerarned today, we're catholics^^ so we're optimistic, and I won't get a bad case of swine flu, period.

will I manage to stop this before the sun rises again (00:23 AM now)? I don't know... I'll try again^^

(totally not rereeding it all.) good night.


15.11.09 00:24, kommentieren


today was nice in school (or, as Germans would say, in university). I got my to do-things done before the first lecture, met Joana before Linguistics and sat between her and Elena til History of the English Language, then went over to HZO 10 and met Lili, whom I spent the rest of the lecture day with.
at home, I had one and a half plates of an instant pasta meal, which weren't over the top, but tasted okay.
I spent way too much time in front of the TV downstairs with Mum, but finally went up to my desk where I answered a couple of questions about A-level-certificate and about the JLT meeting later this evering via icq.
without really having done much, I went there, was the first (and, for at least 20 minutes, only one) to be there. was funny, though, and could be regarded as a nice everning... there was no call from Tommy.

I checked plans with Fa. for tomorrow - to be told that we still do have a date, but since one of his mates is going to be there also, it won't be the time to tell him about Tommy. I totally did not feel mentally prepared for this exposure, but now I don't seem to have to, because it will only be a lunch with two guys... not that I felt like going there in any way. I guess I wasn't too keen on it before either, but now it really seems like a waste of time. what just came to my mind is that I might be lucky enough to get rid of that other guy (who sure is nice and everything) to be able to ask for a couple of minutes to talk to Fa. in private. well, I've no idea if that will work, and it's not like I have so much extra time tomorrow... especially not with the microeconomics assignment group meeting on friday - which I just don't wanna think about. and which made me feel miserable when my dad tried (and totally failed) to give me some advise about how to study.
maybe a little because I had hoped she would listen to what I really had to talk so some one about, but definitely because I hadn't heard from her in quite a while, I asked my sister how she was again (after I didn't get an aswer this afternoon). however, she responded with 8 characters, not wanting to tell me why she is !not! okay.
Hanna, who is totally busy atm and whom I would hate to disturb, but who at least would have listened, is not online right now, and unfortunately, Sarah isn't, either. we talked on the phone for more than six hours last friday night (after all, she is somewhere in Poland and I'm home in NRW, but we did it over Skype and it should have been for free), and I guess she would have listened to what I have to say.
I actually just feel like crying. (thanks for making my night suck after all.)
still do in a way. and even though there should be so many people whom I can talk to, I feel pretty much left alone right now. Fa. could have been some one to talk to tomorrow. and now that I'm thinking about it... why exactly didn't I ask for having lunch with him without others around? I hope he wouldn't have felt offended, and even if he or that Oli did, would that have been so bad? I don't need to have him around me... but then, I realize: it's because I'm me. I'm not the kind of person who tries to arrange things around myself. I use to arrange myself around things. that's how I am.


(I guess I'm in desperate need of some one to talk to, tonight.)


1 Kommentar 11.11.09 23:52, kommentieren


there are two things that make me smile when I'm (for example) sitting on the bus, waiting for it to arrive home. one of them is 1live, I witnessed den Dietz loosing against that phone candidate in the "Königsklasse", i.e. football ;-) very historical moment, as it seems. trash can got the second bump in two days *g* and, between those spoken parts, which just never seem to get boring, there's great music.

the other thing that enables me to smile sometimes is you :-* and particularly the memory of last saturday night, when you walked up to me with that amazing smile on your great face... I just can't stop thinking of it. you really stunned me with that one.
and, of course, that you said you missed me when we don't get to see each other, also might have been a help. I'm sorry because I think I didn't react like I should have.
but still... that memory makes me smile. as does the thought of you in general, especially since I started to get used to what I began to see as the whole long distance-relationship thing. I honestly can't say if I'll be fine with that. but there is a chance, and I really want this, and I think the last thing I wanted and was not sure about worked out (at least) okay, too. even you don't know this yet... if we're lucky, you will get to hear it some time soon.

and then, one more thing I'd like to say, even if it doesn't have much to do with those smile-making things: I am in the process of realizing that English as a language feels very natural to me. when I talk to myself (in my thoughts or with my bedroom walls for the audience), it's English, I hardly noticed that the book about Microeconomics is written in English, and I infact did NOT notice that I was writing my away message for icq in English, too, until I was almost done.
what was kind of funny was that before I started to realize that, Flocke told me to "nich auf dumme Gedanken kommen" and write the protocol of monday's meeting in German *g* I had to think of that one sentence from somewhere in the 'twilight-saga', where it says: "I smiled. He knew me well." the thing is, I don't remember exactly if it's "he" or "she" - which is of considerable importance if you want to reread that page in the book ;-) I have a feeling that it's "he" and it was Bella who said it, so "book two - Jacob" is out of it, and since in the first Bella book there doesn't happen much except the wedding and the pregnancy, and I think I remember that sentence being said in a peaceful situation, without tensions or panic in it, I guess it must be somewhere in "book three". that's quite a long one, however, so flipping through it for a couple of minutes won't do the job. I think in some distant part of my memory there was the thought of slight surprise, because who knows her so well (in my imagination) is Jacob and in the book it was Edward... or something like that. I don't know... but it's not exactly essential to my life here and now^^
the point I was trying to make is that I was shown that he knows me quite well - probably better than I would have guessed and maybe also better than I do myself. (!) he knew that I would have to concentrate on writing in German before I knew that myself.

it's approximately four now, I really have to get started with my [quoted from: icq away message] "agenda
for today:

- clean up room

- clean up rabbit's house

- study for microeconomics

- file 1-inch-pile of statistics transparencies

- do HW for English classes on friday

- catch up on some sleep" [quote over]. 


I wish you all the best of luck and a good time until we meet again.



1 Kommentar 4.11.09 15:53, kommentieren


I know I shouldn't, people have died from it.

but still - thinking about the swine flu, I have to grin xDDD

there just doesn't seem to be a very big danger, everyone I heard of that they had it, survived... and now you are vaccinated *g* which, as my new favorite online dictionary says, means "schutzgeimpft" in German. well, the meaning itself was clear, it's just the exact phrase -  I'd have called it "geschutzimpft"... I have to giggle when thinking about die Schweinegrippe :-DDD

maybe it's just because of your grin. when you told me you had your flu shot yesterday, you grinned a completely stunning smile, your eyes were blinking, knowing it was totally funny what you were talking about... you just looked so cute, kind of childlike, and I just hope that I'll never forget that impression on your face.

oh my, I really could look at you forever. seeing your face, the sleep not vanished from it completely, turn into a smile, your cute hair the length I love, and you wearing that white sweatshirt

I just can't stop smiling. I feel like I'm on drugs... I'm totally drunk at the thought of you!

the only thing I need is to spend time with you.

1 Kommentar 1.11.09 18:05, kommentieren

twice a day

aus dem Nachhinein betrachtet: gut, dass du mich hast ;-) du wirst doch vielleicht lieber von mir geweckt als von irgendwem, der dir befiehlt, in dein Auto zu springen und irgendwo einen Arzt aufzusammeln für eine NF-Fahrt ;-) außerdem warst du jetzt schon am richtigen Krankenhaus. Du wärst noch am anderen gewesen UND im "Halbschlaf" if it hadn't been for me ;-)

... (in itself, totally a great thing) first time: 10 minutes

second time: 2 minutes

this is getting worse... 

when I was just done typing my last post, he told me via SMS that he was done and back. aaaahhh (bist du sicher?) Gib mir ne VIERTELSTUNDE

well, crazy as I am, I left again (crazy for you! crazy about you!). took my jacket and my phone, got my shoes on without tieing them, got into the car and left. called him when I arrvied where he had asked me to come (the next hospital, this time), waited another 10-15 minutes, and then, finally, he came, looking for me to the other side, his (wonderful!) eyes found me, he parked the car, I went up to him, he opened the window, we kissed, talked about two sentences, heard the radio communication... he got an idea of what might be coming: "Wehe!"
seconds later, his phone rang. ... "Wir kommen" *seufz* - and he had to leave. again, so too soon... he had to. had to leave, had to do something, had go somewhere. a goodbye kiss while he is starting the engine, I tell him I'm gonna smash that thing, a short nodding and a distracted tortured smile, I have to jump back to keep my feet from being driven over, and that's it. he makes a face, realizing that he has to cross the yard again, hurries off into the wrong direction to turn the car and goes - passing me again - to pick up "his" doctor.
I see him waving at me slowly in the last moment, watch the car going onto the yard, where I can't watch it from where I'm standing - I run after it, and get another glimpse of it, passing the RTW, vanish out of sight around the corner in the dark. the last sign of him having been there - the gate, already closed again, still shaking slightly.

1 Kommentar 1.11.09 01:11, kommentieren