sometimes I wish there was someone who embraces me, protectively. someone would hear the news and give me a long, comforting hug.
(someone who is not in great pain themselves at the moment.)
of course I heard that saying before, who hasn't. and I remember how Dumbledore from Harry Potter (don't ask me in which of the books it is, and this is not the exact words) says, that some wounds are too deep to heal.
I guess everything that has to do with relationships, which people loving each other (or not) leaves wounds on people's souls/in their minds... probably more than in-patient stays at hospitals or pets dying or bad grades in school or college. and I guess you'll be able to talk about what once put you in pain at some point, even if it takes you years. but you can never completely forget it. which is fine, I guess, things will have developed and you're over it, it's just still there, somewhere in your head, and sometimes you're reminded of it by something (s.th. little, probably).
speaking now, I can say it's probably usual for lovesick people to feel like things will never be allright again. and they won't in the way that the past months can't be taken back by anyone, they happened. but things can be okay in the way that you remember what happened, but you're okay with it.
even if I was in so much pain and especially fury, I guess the process of me beginning to forgive has started. when I was lying in bed yesterday, trying to put together an SMS answer, I realized that I would maybe be able to talk to him about it, in a civilized way. there are certainly things that are not exactly pleasant to say and not pleasant to hear, but I got a faint idea that the whole friendship thing might work... in a way.
it will take time and I'm not there by far, but - wouldn't it be nice to not have him in my everyday life but to be at peace with him? not longer be afraid of running into him at some point, and knowing there'll be a little smile, a hello or a wave from inside a car, and the situation won't take me days to get over?
when I imagined myself asking for time, I realized that I was offered a friendship in this situation before, and that I said I wasn't sure if I could do it, and didn't it turn out okay?
however, I was horribly sad and depressed and in tears when Fl. left me, yes, but I was not angry with him. well, that night or the next day, maybe, but at least I knew he cared and he was awfully sorry and he'd be there if I needed him to. I knew it was hard for him to do that. but if that is missing and you seem to be the only one who is beside herself, that "peace" is harder to reach, I suppose. sounds logical to me.
and still... since yesterday I can imagine it better than before. before, I tried to wrap my mind around the thought that I would simply never see him again, without things ever getting cleared up between us and I would simply have to forget, act like nothing had ever been there and learn to live with it, wait and hope for time to take it away from my active thoughts some day. when I saw him one last time to be given back what belonged to my sister, I knew that this would be the last time I saw him. except there would indeed be a <Nachtreffen> for those who worked at that childen's camp in summer.
but I also had that awful lot of things in my mind that I've been wanting to say to him. I was getting ready to forget about them, too, but now that he's "back" and want's to keep up a friendship, I have to say these things at some point, because I can't communicate with him all the time without having got rid of it.
so to sum this up... it was so hard and in a way it still is and will be for a while longer, but yesterday I started to forgive. a little bit.
oh, how could this become so long? all I wanted to say was that which I "summed up" in that last sentence above. I guess I once again showed my talent and need to try and explain everything in detail and make perfectly sure that I painted the right picture with the right background to every one. sorry for that.
good night to all those of you who might read this.
- story: got to know about the written maths test this week - hardly time to study for it - wanted to do a little something yesterday but had forgotten the Lichtblick Spieleabend, which I had promised to attend - went there today, failed - saw school "dead" with only a couple of dozen people babbling about maths - dad didn't answer when I called him back - saw an ASB car on the way home, maybe you were just about 10 feet away from me... - fuzzy waved at me from her car while she was passing by, and totally destroyed my depressed mood - mum and dad acted like they were so cheery and casual - made me repeat what I had seen (which I totally didn't want) and was like: "achsooo..." ... which hurt a lot. seeing that car almost made me cry and she acting like I was talking about something completely nonsignificant
and what is dad doing here anyway? asking with that voice of his, "willst du nicht wiederholen was Mama verpasst hat" - I could have cried at him.
what I thought yesterday: there's two things I use to do when need to do something when I'm depressed or down: cleaning up the kitchen, and phonetics. now there're people downstairs so being in the kitchen is not an option, but I'll start looking up phonetic transcription for another column of words and look for a transcribed text on the internet. I'm thinking about buying the phonetics book the other classes use, hoping that there's some transcribed text in it.
and my own room needs cleaning up, too, so maybe I'll start putting away some stuff while I try to memorize phonetic symbols.
@ Mr Schunk: no... it's the first phonetics class I attend, but to be honest, I'm really enjoying it.
(yesterday's away message:
did I mention I really really love Phonetics class? and especially phonetic transcription? as a matter of fact, I'm "quite good" at it )
I can't go to sleep without my phone lying next to me.
partly because it has to wake me up in the morning, partly I still (I'm using simple present instead of the progressive form, since it's definitely a habit that I want to express) wait for you to call.
I alternate between nearly beginning to cry at the mere sight of an ASB car or when I hear "Wake me up when September ends" on the radio, and what must happen if I really saw you in person? and having so much to say that I could start shouting at you. at the moment, however, it's more crying than much else.
- it's awfully late, I have to drive my mum all the way to M.G. and back tomorrow (at least one way in a hurry), there's the hell of a lot of work to do for university and for all the Firm stuff, and I should not be sitting here writing a blog post now.
I just wanted to thank my Mum and Dad for last night. it was sunday yesterday, I went to the Jugendmesse, of course, and when I entered the church, Manuel F. (guy from our school, 3 years older than me, was in all the ensembles that did performances on stage in our school, I admired him as well as the others, and he was there for me that night several years ago when I was totally distraught because of my parents and my sister... and my first boyfriend's ex-girlfriend's ex-boyfriend) was there to play the drums.
I had not realized that Tommy looks so much like him.
it was just like seeing him, which I totally couldn't stand, and I only wanted to sit in some alone corner and cry.
it was not just his face, his head's shape, or his hair - it was also that pullover he was wearing, the expression on his face, and especially when he was playing. sitting there, not at all stressed but doing a great job... part of me only wanted to be somewhere far, far away, but I had to look at him as often as possible. watch him sit there and play the drums
partly because I like here and I figured she'd know about what happened, and partly because I simply had to tell somebody, I told Britta. I'm afraid she didn't exactly get what I wanted to say... I guess I wasn't really able to put into words what was in my mind. maybe I'm not now, either. it was just that there was no way of looking for that alone corner, and I had to be there for quite a while longer.
when I was home, my sister was about to leave, and I totally stood there all in tears, because I hated the idea of her leaving, and even if I knew she'd be back next weekend, it just seemed wrong... we hugged thoroughly, and she felt my hip bone through my clothes, and told my mum to start feeding me properly...
I didn't know what to do when they were gone, so I went up to watch some Gilmore girls, which calmed me down after a while. when I went downstairs to get some chocolate, I realized that the kitchen still showed that Mum had been baking some christmas cookies, all the dishes and bowls and silverware were there, uncleaned. so I started to clean up the kitchen... I emptied the dining table, put the dishes and what fit of the rest into the dishwasher and put it on... then the oven was left to be cleaned and some trash to collect and some devices to clean by hand... I was just about to get the pan from the table into the kitchen sink to clean it, when my parents came back home. they had left at about 9:45, and I really didn't expect them to get back before midnight... but at about a quarter to ten, they rearrived. at least they realized how different the kitchen looked like in comparison to what it had looked like when they left... but I really didn't want them to be sorry about me having to do it (this time), I just couldn't resist cleaning up, because I needed something to do, that kept my hands busy and that could be seen after a while... so in a way, I'm grateful for the mess I found down there.
I guess it didn't take me long to start crying again after they were back, and one of them asked what was up. I told them about Manuel and Tommy and Mum totally agreed... I can't say how much I wanted to thank her for that. because Britta of course didn't know either of them, but Mum did, and she totally got what I was talking about... we ended up on the sofa, my parents on either side of me and myself, sitting there and starting to cry again every couple of minutes. I just had to cry so many tears from lovesickness which I hadn't let out before and had never actually spoken to any one about tommy just leaving me alone with nothing left and without a real talk... he just vanished.
at some point, Dad said something about wanting to go upstairs and sleep, because he had to work early today, but when it overwhelmed me again, he stayed a while longer. someone put off the TV (or at least the voices) and we just sat there, me in the middle, crying, and them next to me, comforting me. Mum said, leave it out, and I was in Dad's arm, at his big chest, and he just was there for me... I really did not do this because I wanted their attention, I really didn't. it's just that it helped a lot that they were there and listened... by now, I'm close to tears again when I think of it. mainly because I've been realizing today that it has been ages since the two of them were there for me to comfort me or talk to me without having to go somewhere or Dad having to use the bathroom or the TV being on or anything... I guess it shouldn't have been so long. actually, I can't even remember when the last time was.
I told them about his bright light blue eyes and how his smile (his whole face) was totally mind-blowing when he exited that hospital door a couple of weeks ago... I wouldn't have thought I would. but it didn't seem so bad after all... even if it was a really personal thing to be talking to them about.
of course we went upstairs at some point. they just went, but it took me til about 2:30 AM to get to sleep - having set my alarm for 6:15.
I felt this quite intensively at the maths lecture this morning - I spent about half the time sleeping. I don't wanna know what I must have looked like, I guess my mouth fell open every time I fell asleep again, but I didn't care.
having had some fresh air, a hot chocolate and a breakfast, I felt pretty awake when I arrived a seat in GB to do my grammar homework for the next hour and a half.
no one had seen me smiling the whole day... microeconomics actually cheered me up - mr. schimmelpfennig did, actually. grammar was fine, despite the fact that that guy, who's name is Kevin, as he told me, was totally hoovering before I - desperately - started an icq conversation with Carina. the last lesson, a good one and a half hour mathematics, was fine, too.
even if I had actually smiled a couple of times that day, I guess Katechenrunde was pleasant aswell, and it distracted from all the other stuff. it wasn't too funny when Tobias talked about people's first boy- and girlfriends, he and Nico went on and on about relationships, but the subject changed back to another topic soon enough for me to not hate the whole evening because of it.
and the meeting ended quite friendly, too. it was nice... and I'm grateful for having so much to think about these days. because as soon as I sit somewhere, without having anything real to do, I'll start thinking about all that happened... and that would probably end in tears again.
I know there've been a lot of tears lately. I feel like I've been crying a lot. but maybe that's how I am... I don't know. but even if do not at all do this out of a habit or anything (because he just doesn't seem to be worth it), I think you may cry and look for someone to comfort you after you have been left by your boyfriend.
it changes... right now, I'm not exactly laughing, but I don't feel like crying either.
I'm empty again.
and (I can't get rid of the thought) alone.
I know that
1) like Hanna said and like Mum and Stella at least think, and maybe even like I think myself (somewhere), I should not - after what you did, and to me - wait for you to call. I am ashamed of myself, because I've been waiting for you for three months, without you ever appreciating it, as it seems.
2) because, also somewhere inside myself, I know that you will not call. you didn't even call me when we were together. now, you only said "die Tage", not exactly a precise time, and in addition, I sceptically asked why.
this might be the more important reason. the first was hard to explain, but this one is fairly simple. you are not reliable. you, to be honest, have never been since we met, not even when I asked you what to do if you weren't. you said you would call to tell me whether or not you'd get a car, and you said you really would, and you did not. so why - why should I expect you to call me now? now that you left me alone to (as far as I know) be with someone else, and that no plans are made which could make up some deadline?
I would like you to call. partly because I want to believe you that there is something left between us, you didn't just forget me because you met some one else, and you were a little aware of what you left me with/like. and partly because I want to believe that there is some good in you. because it would kill me to know that people can be this very UNgentleman-like, this regardless of others' feelings as you seem at the moment. I have trouble not thinking "you arse hole". I know that's a cliché, and it's cliché for a reason, but you really are being that hated ex boyfriend. I don't want to hate you; I don't like (people) hating people, and I would like being able to say that I live at peace with everyone, but you're giving me a hard time not starting to hate you. and there is a longer-growing line of people who infact do seem to hate you and who would much like a word with you.
I guess you'll never read this. but if you should, please note that you're not exactly being nice, and think about calling me, however much time all this may be ago. forget about the things I would have liked to tell you, and forget about the pain you put me in. just do it for my future peace of mind. and, if you're of any good, for your mind's peace, too. because if anything of what you said to me was true, our relationship was not superficial, so ending it properly is advisable.
I meant to end this with a repition of the fact that I'm still and despite everything waiting for your call, but I don't feel much like that anymore. maybe I'm not after I explained all this to me(self). I don't know - but I'm under the impression that I hardly know anything (important) anyhow.
... I didn't know what to make of this. no warning (except that he announced that he had something to tell me) and then this... it took me a second to realize that I had just been dumped, and I just wanted to sobb. but then, the next second, I realized that we had talked only a couple of minutes ago and that he couldn't really be serious. not telling me this via SMS
so I called him. what surprises me is that he actually took my call. there was laughter and joking voices at the other end, he seemed to leave the room - and seemed to have no idea why I might be calling and what this could be about. I had to check if it was him who sent me that SMS, and for a very small moment I thought this was some else's joke or something... but then he confirmed having sent that message. I don't remember what we said exactly, but I tried to assure myself that he was serious. that he had just broken up with me per SMS, saying he found some one else.
he later said - to me asking - that he hadn't wanted this to happen either and that he didn't know how this could happen.
in the world I live(d?) in, people don't fall in love with others while they're with someone. they don't look at others or spent alone time with others - and they shouldn't want to. I don't know what was so wrong between us. I guess even though I ran after him for months and called him so often because he didn't call me, and I felt stupid so often, he had too much time to be with others, and to think of others. that I didn't call so often because I wanted to know what exactly he was doing and who he was doing it with was one of the many things I wanted to tell him - but as it turns out, I was wrong with that after all. I should have called more often... but I always knew that I had to trust him anyhow. it's just that I didn't know I couldn't. he was so friendly and on that day, when we were at the cinema, and he wrote me that message saying he had never felt so secure with anyone... this is not something I would have said when not feeling it! so I thought he was saying that I was special to him... and it was really a great thing to be in that movie with him, lying in his arms and just being there, with him... as I now know, this should be the last time for the two of us doing something like that together. that we went to some place just for the fun of it, to spend time together, to be together... and it feels so long ago. it actually is more than 3 months ago. I could have stayed there forever, and feel the warmth and him being there, nothing seemed to matter, time, getting up early the next morning, me having to get back to Bochum later... it was so nice. I guess we should have kissed. and I guessed that in that moment, too, I just couldn't yet. but I wanted, some time soon, and I remember how on the following wednesday, two nights and one day later, we did... that night he apologized for being to intrusive, and I worried so much when I read it. and then on wednesday, we were in front of the Thealozzi, it was really early, we had met there a while before the rest would come, and he was half getting out of his car, I was standing in the door, we got close and... I don't know, can I say I kissed him? that would be a strange thing to remember. but I guess he wanted it, too, and maybe he felt it coming... I don't know. at least we kissed. I don't think it was a very long kiss, and I guess we were a little shy, and it was the first one after all, but I liked it... a lot^^ and I guess we'd have gone on the rest of the day it it hadn't been for the rest. I don't think I thought about this before, but I must have looked quite happy on that day =) because I was so happy with him and he was still there, only a couple of steps away.
- was I chicken to want to keep that a secret? I could hardly stand being in the gym without him
I guess on monday, there was lot of other stuff I meant to tell you. and that was before we sent about 10 to 15 SMS to make a date for him to come by and give me back some things he borrowed. and then yesterday, I actually saw him. to be honest, when we talked on the phone thursday, when we hung up, I only felt like crying. I guess it was about hearing his voice. and then yesterday on my way home from the Wache, where I had been lucky to catch him between rearriving from an emergency and leaving for the DRK, it was somehow strange... maybe you could call it beyond crying. the bus didn't show up until it was about 12 minutes late, I had to wait and stand at the bus stop pretty long, and it gave me chance to think. I now have no idea what I thought, but I remember how my face felt. I cried a little at breakfast today. my parents didn't notice. and then later today, I realized that I won't be kissed by anyone any time soon, and this actually hit me pretty hard. I don't remember if I felt like this the last time I broke up with a boyfriend, I might have... but there was some thought about it some time in between the two of them, I think. I don't know what's worse, being left alone and the way I was told it, or him being with someone else now. it changes... what I realized while I was waiting yesterday is that he totally left me alone. it's not like we had trouble in our relationship, struggled to find a solution, talked for hours and in the end went different ways. nope, he just told me facts I couldn't do anything about and went off with s.o. else. and it's not like he offered any help, a talk or anything... I was someone's girlfriend, and in one moment he made me left alone.
I am thinking is not very concerned about others, or their feelings. he never gave me a ride home, even if I had about 35km to drive, and it was dark and some time at night... well, he shouldn't have gone with me, of course, but going to the car with me would have been nice, I guess. Fl. never just sent me home... at least he was concerned about my safety. in addition, in the last three months, I was hardly three times asked how I was... and especially in the last week, there was not a single sorry. or that I could talk to him if I had to, or anything of that sort! maybe I would have needed a hug or something. all I knew was hurry, not having time, him having to go... remember that hug, 8 days ago? in the basement, in the process of saying goodbye, we just stood there for a moment, not doing much but embracing eachother? and then, he found the trash in my back pocket. moment over. but before, I enjoyed just standing there, breathing and doing nothing else. and - I really have to talk in past tense. because that moment is so very completely over. as much as are all the others, everything we did together, everything we said... over. and (theoretically) being with someone, knowing that there is someone out there, who is waiting for you, who's day you can make by showing up...
I guess I should stop this now. it's just that I feel really alone, because no one's there. my family won't hug me once because I'm still recovering from a sickness, and Hanna's soo busy and my sister is not even home... I am going to see Fl. and Britta and the rest of the Katechetenrunde tomorrow, I'm looking forward to that.
I am really looking forward to being kissed and hugged again. :'(