I have not had time to miss you yet.

I don't really know what to say... all I just realized is that I do not have any idea of having lost you at all. Three minutes ago I remembered you sitting on my bed with me, talking, I remember your voice... which I am not going to hear for some time now. Until one week ago, I heard your voice every day, and now - I am alone.
I always have to think about you and Sinne still being friends, long phone calls and spending some time together every now and then... and I cannot imagine myself doing this at the moment. I cannot imagine myself as - your ex-girlfriend
I don't know if you know how much you hurt me and how much you left me alone with nothing but memories. But sometimes

I do want to have a boyfriend. But I don't want to have any boyfriend - I want you! I want to kiss you, to touch you and hug you and be with you, have someone I am there for but who is there for me aswell! I want to have a boyfriend, but you probably don't know how long it will take me to be ready for somebody else... I did not think about having to be ready for a new relationship, because I had you! I had you, that is it. Now, I have nothing. I see you being online, I have your number in my cell phone and in every phone at home, it takes me seven minutes to walk from my room to yours

by now I am almost sure that I would have liked having to work with you better than working with you, not really enjoying it - and being told you broke up with me before, even if I had no idea of it. I have problems with telling people what you did, because they will hate you and I don't want them to, because I don't hate you myself. I love you, actually. Or I loved you, I don't know. I don`t know much at all at the moment. You telling me you didn't see a future for both of us i about 16 hours ago, which did not really give me time to realize it or to learn living with it. I am thinking about all the others all the time and I wonder if you are going to tell them who broke up and who wanted to fight and to try. I am sorry if it seems to you that I am not fighting for you at all, but you told me you made your decision and you won't change your mind again. Therefore, every try to get you back or to spend some time with you means pain to me. Pain that I, to be honest, can't stand. Because you caused so much pain already, so much desperation and cuelessness and sadness that everything more would probably be too much for me to cope with. I walked home from school crying today. I don't know if you saw me (or if you saw me standing at the corner today in the morning), but I had trouble not starting to cry on the bus before. Mari was there and Fiona and everyone...

I hate what the rest of our relationship looks like to others. I always thought people weren't trying hard enough when a couple split up some weeks after they had become one, but you made me not even try to fight for you and our happiness.
I am strongly trying not to write anything hurting into my away message, but it's hard. Because I like to put in what I think - and because I don't know who else knows about us so far and I don't want to be the one who tells all of them. Kleini and Maren first and your brother and then Annika and ohh, Kathrin and then, sometimes, the Klimeks and everybody... I am so sad for all of them... I don't want them to think what I always think about people in our situation, but they will and I hate that there is nothing I can do about it. As much as we talked about ONE other couple, I am so afraid of all of them talking about our brake-up so much!!! I always have to think about Malte and Chrissi, because they are whom I see most because I go to school with both of them. For a long time it was envy because they had something I had no idea of, and then there was a little period of me feeling like somebody of the same value because I also had a real relationship: with you. When I now think about him, Malte, whom I see most, I have to think about him asking me if I came to your birthday - the birthday which was about the day you made your decision about braking up with me. That birthday, JLT on Monday, being on the bus together on Tuesday, watching Gilmore girls on Thursday, catering on Saturday and playing with my sister yesterday are the latest things I did with you, and I would like to cross them out of my memory now. Because now I know that you were seeing me, talking to me, hating me, forgetting me all the time, and all the worries and thoughts I had were true. Why did you smile when I asked you if you were going to say something? In that moment there were worries, yes, because I knew it had to be a serious topic you were about to talk about, but I would never have guessed a sentence like your next one, a single sentence that would end everything I believed I had and which would, I guess, be in my memory yesterday and forever.

Then, I have no idea if I want to and I can still be your friend from now. I have trouble believing you that you like me and that it is any kind of priority for you to stay in contact with me, and any way of living on will be painful. Avoiding every contact possible is simple, but will take away all the time I have a chance to spend with you, becoming your friend will mean that I see you from time to time and just being allowed to talk to you instead of being together with you. What I am afraid of, is that I am not able to draw the line between friendship and relationship. You are not consisting of several parts of which one can pick which one ever they like, but you are one person. Seeing you will also mean missing you and thinking of you being my boyfriend for me.
And still, I cannot imagine never seeing you again.

1 Kommentar 14.4.08 18:39, kommentieren


... als Maike 17 Jahre war
war sie total verliebt
Sie glaubte, dass es nur noch rosa Wolken für sie gibt

Doch dann, von heut auf morgen
stürzte ihre Traumwelt ein
Sie war total am Boden, und sie fühlte sich so klein

Doch sie stand auf
und hat gedacht:
Ich bin wohl jetzt erst richtig aufgewacht

Ich schaff das schon
, ich schaff das schon
ich schaff das ganz alleine
Ich komm bestimmt, ich komm bestimmt
auch wieder auf die Beine

Ich brauch dazu, ich brauch dazu
vielleicht 'ne Menge Kraft
Doch ich hab immerhin
schon ganz was anderes geschafft!

14.4.08 23:08, kommentieren


love was such an easy game to play
now I need a place to hide away
oh I believe in yesterday

all my troubles seemed so far away
now it looks as they were here to stay
oh I believe in yesterday

I'm not half the man I used to be
there's a shadow hanging over me
oh yesterday came suddenly

why (s)he had to go - I don't know, she wouldn't say
I sad something wrong, now I long for yesterday]

love was such an easy game to play
now I need a place to hide away
oh I believe in yesterday

14.4.08 23:43, kommentieren


I open my eyes
I try to see but I’m blinded by the white light
I can’t remember how
I can’t remember why

I’m lying here tonight

And I can’t stand the pain
And I can’t make it go away
No, I can’t stand the pain

How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

Everybody’s screaming
I try to make a sound but no one hears me
I’m slipping off the edge
I’m hanging by a thread
I wanna start this over again

So I try to hold onto a time when nothing mattered
And I can’t explain what happened
And I can’t erase the things that I’ve done
No, I can’t

How could this happen to me?
I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away

I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

I made my mistakes
I’ve got no where to run
The night goes on
As I’m fading away
I’m sick of this life
I just wanna scream
How could this happen to me?

1 Kommentar 14.4.08 23:48, kommentieren

I'm fine

I would never have guessed that I would be this fine so soon. It's Wednesday afternoon, I came home from school after teaching a nineth-grade kid how to write a good text, which was pretty successful, I think.
And I'm happ-- no, I don't think I can say I was happy, but I'm fine! Mir gehts gut... the problem is: on the one side, I would like to tell him I'm better to make him not feel so bad - but: I have no idea how good or how bad he feels.
On the other side, everything will look as if our relationship meant nothing to me, nothing to cause me at least a few days of sadness.
Well, right, I lost intention - I watched Gilmore girls and it made me happy and I laughed and - everything seems to be good.

I'm off for Training (two weeks till FREIBAD!)


1 Kommentar 16.4.08 17:57, kommentieren

und dann springst du rein...

Und dann springst du rein
Tauchst ganz tief ein
Tauchst einfach ab - und bist ganz für dich allein
Du bist in deinem Element

Weil du schon eine halbe Ewigkeit
zur falschen Zeit am falschen Ort bist
und um dich herum alles verdorrt ist - gehst du los
Du machst dich auf den Weg, egal wie weit
Du weißt nicht wann die Reise endet
Trockne Kehle, Sonne blendet - und du
Kämpfst gegen Sand und Hitze an
Du kämpfst dich Schritt für Schritt voran

Ein heißer Wind schlägt dir jetzt ins Gesicht
Die Beine werden schwer - und du kannst
eigentlich nicht mehr - doch plötzlich
traust du deinen eigenen Augen nicht
denn vor dir liegt ein Tal
mit einem See und auf einmal - fällt dir das Laufen
beinah wieder richtig leicht
denn du siehst Wasser soweit das Auge reicht

Und dann springst du rein
Tauchst ganz tief ein
Tauchst einfach ab
und bist ganz für dich allein
Du bist in deinem Element

und alles das was in dir brennt
wird gelindert und gekühlt
Vom Wasser das dich ganz umspült

...und das sich wie neues Leben anfühlt
(c) Wise Guys: Das Wasser. Frei!, 2008

1 Kommentar 25.4.08 22:53, kommentieren

I'm still in love... with you boy

sorry, aber... eigentlich war ich happy dich zu sehen

aber nicht weil es iwie gut tat und ich dich nicht gesehen hatte und du mir als ein freund iwie wichtig bist - ich hab dich einfach vermisst. ich hatte keine ahnung wie, und es war mir auch nicht so schwer wie in der taizé-woche, aber als ich dich gestern gesehen hab - okay, da war es komisch. aber dann irgendwann hast du mir deine neue macke gezeigt und es war einfach kewl und dann... "und wie gehts sonst so *g*?" tja... wieso hab ich nur was von der doofen lk klausur erzählt? und dann, wieso bin ich nicht dazu gekommen, dich zu fragen wie es dir geht. das wüsste ich so gerne und ich habs iwie nicht auf die reihe gekriegt, und jetzt seh ich dich zwar mittwoch, aber das scheint noch so lange hin und ich werd dich ja eh nur sehen und sonst nichts

ist dir aufgefallen, dass daniel und du quasi im partnerlook da wart? du sahst so aus wie immer und hattest dieses orangene shirt an das ich so liebe und es war warm und sonnig und du siehst sowieso so sonnig aus

das ist so anstrengend. ich würde sooo gerne einfach zu dir hingehen und richtig bei dir sein, kurz hinter der kirche hab ich d-- okay, das kann ich nicht schreiben. aber trotzdem, dich die ganze zeit lang um mich zu haben und ich würde so gerne, aber ich weiß, ich darf nicht und ich werd wohl für immer einfach so tun als wär alles okay und von meiner seite wäre alles wie normal.
und dann, andererseits, bin ich glücklich wenn ich über irgendwas blödes mit dir reden kann, du mich anlächelst und es tut mir leid dass du an der selben stelle der selben route da abgerutscht bist wie schon mal vor wochen und then... I am with you.

1 Kommentar 28.4.08 16:28, kommentieren