full of... aaarrrghhh


I could have met him. I did, actually. a little miracle in itself. stupid me, going there just at time instead of being early, as I felt like doing...

and then, he is searching for that notes paper half the time and then there's that sound... the sound (of that tiny, black gadget) I really do hate with all my soul. I didn't know I could and I know that theoretically, people have a chance to be saved because it's there... but I hate it nevertheless. why can't anybody else be called instead of my boyfriend, whom I've only seen for the first 10 minutes in two and a half weeks? and why does it ALWAYS have to happen so soon... why can't it take a little longer than the first couple of minutes when we finally meet?

this so very completely entirely really SUCKS.

but honey... I know this must sound completely stupid. but it feels like everytime I see you, you look better to me than you do in my memory. when I watched you today - unbelievable... I dream about your face every day for weeks and then I see you in person and... my, I could have watched that face of yours forever. your eyes (which are every bit as bright blue as the ones from that guy in school...^^), your eyes, and your smile... WHHHYYY is this over again already? it's too soon. I'm not done watching your face


1 Kommentar 31.10.09 23:19, kommentieren


sure, honey

well, what can I say. I've been waiting for who calls himself my "boyfriend" to call me for one and a half weeks now. he was supposed to come by that saturday, but sent me an SMS at about 4:30 AM saying he couldn't make it, and he was gonna call...

I just called him (because I wanted to have tried once more before I sent that SMS.) and he actually picked up the phone. I don't believe this... of course, there were no bad intentions, he would have called if there wasn't all that mess because someone's setting sheds on fire in his hometown and after his ties, this week it was his windshield that was demolished... he's totally out of money and hasn't seen his parents or any friends in two weeks... and while we were speaking, there was an alarm - of course - and he had to go.
is it my own fault, then? should I have known that he would have called if he'd been able to? didn't I, deep inside myself, know that he wouldn't do this, just never call again... that he used to like me a little, too? we had this before... a plan, an intention to do something, and then something that would reschedule everything and make it take a couple of days for him to call... should I have known that things weren't his own fault instead of beginning to forget him just because it took a little longer this time? - I guess I should... trying to heal from the lovesickness and feeling of having been left, moving on without having told him about it maybe wasn't exactly fair. but being left totally alone without a chance to talk, no matter how much I might have wanted that, is also not exactly fair.

so, what now... before we hung up, I said I felt like crying, and for a moment I was. but now that I seem to have "cooled down" a little, recovered from the shock of suddenly hearing his voice, joking with colleges and asking me what's up... no happiness, no tears.

on the radio it said "this time [...] I'll be bulletproof." I wish I could do that... just be casually curious, no emotions. get to know "what's up" without getting hurt.

at least I cannot say it was an eventless day. (was that my always-look-on-the-bright-side-of-life-spirit kicking in?)

 would it have killed fate to let one thing be easy for me? -.-




1 Kommentar 27.10.09 22:55, kommentieren


I'm sorry (to all those who might have been waiting for an entry), I've been busy far too long, but right now I really need to say some thing(s) and there is no one I can talk to now.

actually, what couses pain at the moment is exactly what I've been doing myself on this website. "meld mich" at the end of an SMS, which was sent last saturday, 04:24 am, and nothing since that. I've been on my own this whole time... there were people around me, but the ones who should have been there in particular weren't there. the one who would have, I didn't make(let) him.

is this it then? is me sitting on the sofa, crying silently, unnoticed from my TV watching parents, the last time I cry about you while you could be here? are the next tears because I know that I won't see you again? you could think we could meet eventually, because you work a couple of minutes from here... we didn't even meet when we wanted to. - I don't know if you ever wanted
why don't you want to see me now... ?

maybe you are burying your dad today, or tomorrow, oder yesterday or some time this week. you needed me to be there and I went all the way to your place when Jill (that completely strange girl!) had told you about what happened to her parents, whom you have never met - and you don't even want to talk to me on the phone or send me an(other...) SMS? it's hard to believe that.

I know that your days are a mess sometimes, plans change and you don't get to sleep much in some weeks. so I try to cope with two or three days that I'm waiting for your call. but don't tell me that you haven't been home since last saturday, which is a week ago... I know that you have been moved out for a couple of days before, because you had a fight with your parents, but back then, you slept at my house. you told me. you actually were there. but now... as far as I can tell, your cell phone rang when I tried to call you last time. so you charged the battery some time between I saw you for the last time and thursday... which makes me happy in a way, because it's some weird sort of sign of life. as far as I can tell, you live a very dangerous life, with angry people and weapons, fire, far too fast driven cars at red traffic lights... so it would actually help to be ensured that you're still alive once in a while. as far as I can tell, there is no money on your phone sometimes, but you got some new soon most times, and you must have had some money to give me a call some time during the last week. I know there is the slightest chance that you hadn't, because you sometimes don't seem like the most well-organized person alive. but still... you should have found time to call what you call your girlfriend.

I'm between telling you that it's over, that you broke it and that being in this relationship only puts me in pain, and wanting this to last... at least till the summer camp next year. you have no idea how much I wanted to still be with you when we meet all these people again, and let everybody see that we didn't just have some romance... that we found eachother and have been seriously together ever since. or well, ever since might be wrong, because there were times when we weren't exactly together, if you'd asked me... but you didn't ask me, so things kept fine

it was before I thought about this more thoroughly first (a couple of minutes ago) that I realized that I probably couldn't take part in the camp anyhow, because I'll be busy with the summer semester. right now, I'd imagine someone else being there to do my job, and myself hurrying there as soon as my last class is over... kiss you hello, probably in front of the kids, and be with you for the rest of the time.

I don't know. this is probably utopia anyway. like it's gonna happen like that, just because there is a chance, or because I would love to experience that... like any bigger thing had happened like it was planned with you involved

I'm not going to read this proof, so there're probably lots of mistakes in it, but I'm glad that I can breathe without sobbing right now, and I'm not going to do everything I calmed down from to me again by reading what I just typed.

goodnight, my love.

24.10.09 23:53, kommentieren

Goodnight, my Angel

... time to close your eyes... and save these questions for another day

es ist viel passiert, da war jene person, die mir für eine weile so nahe war... den größten teil des aprils sowie den mai hab ich mit Fa. geredet und ich hatte ihn so gern, und er hatte mich noch viel lieber und gerade... überkam es mich einfach. dieser moment an meiner geburtstagsfeier, wie wir da auf der bank saßen und er hat meinen rücken gestreichelt und ich wollte am liebsten noch näher an ihn heranrutschen - wie leid mir tut, was ich getan hab! was ich nicht tun konnte!
dann war abi und alles was damit zusammenhing - konzerte und aufführungen von hildegardis und Gao, dann Smike, dann der abisamstag selbst, dann taizé, dann uni... und jetzt? es fängt was riesengroßes neues an.
und plötzlich - bin ich allein. war ich nicht diejenige, die sich als Fa. auf der bildfläche erschien, gesagt hat, ich hätte mich gerade an alles (einschließlich single zu sein) gewohnt und wolle nicht, dass sich alles ändert? die aus überzeugung gesagt hat, es gehe ihr gut, als Fa. vorbei war? und nun... eine hand zu halten, einen arm und darinliegen, gemeinsames einschlafen, jemand der mich fragt wie mein tag war. ich rede mir das wohl gerade ein, mache es schlimm(er), aber... ich könnte das alles haben. ich könnte "vergeben" sein, nach meinem tag gefragt werden, da könnte jemand sein, der sich an mir und über mich und für mich freut, für den ich wichtig bin - wäre der leichte ekel und die eher geringe zuneigung nicht ein annehmbarer preis gewesen? wäre es nicht wert gewesen, das zu "ertragen" für alles andere?
*Herbst am See... Wetterwände, kalte Hände, als ich mit dir am Ufer steh... längst ist klar, es ist zu Ende, ich weiß nicht warum ich nicht geh... ein Anblick voller Schönheit, aber trotzdem nur der Rest - ein Gedanke, der uns beide frösteln lässt...

 ich bin noch nicht fertig mit dir. ungeklärte sachen, die ich noch gerne sagen würde, wo wir im zweifel eh beide noch nachdenken

18.7.09 03:00, kommentieren

Tag der Enthüllungen

darf ich zum safan(?)fest?

- darf ich ausziehen?

- ich hab 'n freund!

22.5.09 00:00, kommentieren

breaking dawn

- anbruch von etwas neuem

Fabian ist plötzlich teil meines lebens. vor kaum zwei monaten hätte ich jeden für bescheuert gehalten, der mir gesagt hätte, heute wäre ich kurz davor, den beziehungsstatus "solo" für eine weile hinter mir zu lassen... my god *IN LOVE*
was habe ich mir das gewünscht - war es etwas arm, wie ich zwischendurch drauf war? meine depri-phase im herbst? im moment ist alles so schön... hier zu hause, was längst nicht selbstverständlich ist, stella und ihr zwerg, alberts musik, which means soo much to me, and hanna, who is more important to me than ever. music, friends, sunshine... und ich war gerade glücklich, hatte mich gerade an alles gewöhnt
und dann kommt jemand und turned my world upside down - jeden tag was neues! kaninchen hipp oder hopp, schule endet, uni oder nicht uni, fabian, jetzt auch noch ausziehen mit hanna! in eine WG zu ziehen fand ich immer toll - und jetzt mit hanna, die das auf jeden fall zu wollen scheint, und zu zweit, kein sascha, nichtmal eine nana - the chance of a lifetime! that girl is my best friend, we have spent a lot of time together, we hardly ever had a fight, and she means so much to me - and this offer means sooo, so much to me!!!!! moving in with my best friend and studying at the RUB - who can want more?? this would be the fulfillment of a dream I didn't dare to dream.

and the thought of having someone around me again... such a wonderful idea - and Am Langen Seil wouldn't be far away from him either!! I can't believe that this should be really happening to me - it's way to good to me true!

I don't really know what to say, but I'm (too) full of emotions, of vorfreude. 


life can be great. juhu

1 Kommentar 21.5.09 19:16, kommentieren


* meine SchülerVZ-Liste mit Dingen, die ich mag, wächst immer weiter.

* ich habe Twilight, New Moon, Eclipse und Breaking Dawn gelesen und freue mich dran - natürlich ist es kitschig, aber ich beneide Bella. Sie hat gelitten, doch es war vorrübergehend, am Ende ist sie glücklich für die Ewigkeit.

* ich habe heute eine traurig-nachdenklich-Wiedergabeliste erstellt, weil es gerade Bedarf gab.

Meine Schwester ist übermorgen weg. Sie fährt nach London und zum Skifahren, aber vor allem ist sie weg.

Ich rede viel und immer mehr mit Jan. Mehr, als es mir guttut?

Mein Zimmer ist schon wieder ein Chaos.

Ich will unbedingt singen... singen, Kummer von der Seele singen, laut singen!

Jamie ist krank.

Ich glaube, ich liebe Hanna wie kaum je vorher. Nähe... wie könnte ich ohne?

Ich schotte mich ab. Unbewusst, jetzt nicht mehr, aber stetig.



Die Abivorbereitung wartet auf mich.


15.3.09 23:52, kommentieren